ADHD: Shame, Survival, and Finding Connection
Yesterday at 1880, I co-facilitated with Noor Bouzid on the panel “ADHD at Work, in Life, and in Relationships” with Candice and James Davis. We weren’t there to talk about ADHD as a diagnosis in a textbook - we were there to talk about it as something we’ve lived. Something that’s shaped how we love, how we parent, how we function..and sometimes, how we fall apart.
What came out of the discussion was raw, honest, and long overdue. If you’ve ever felt like your brain runs on a different setting, like you’re either sprinting or completely stuck, or like your relationships are a constant balancing act, you’re not alone.
Here are the biggest takeaways we shared that night. No fluff. Just real experiences, real tools, and a lot of truth.
1. ADHD isn’t just a diagnosis—it’s often a response to survival
We kicked things off by exploring where ADHD could come from. Dr. Gabor Maté says ADHD is less about a “broken brain” and more about how our nervous system learns to adapt when connection and safety are missing in childhood.
Growing up in a strict, high-pressure environment, I learned early on to stay alert, perform, and push emotions aside. That’s where the hyperactivity started, not because I was wild, but because I was wired for survival.
KEY TAKEAWAY:
Before we label someone as “disordered,” we need to ask: what did this person have to do to survive emotionally? ADHD isn’t the problem…it’s often the body’s solution to a deeper one.
2. Shame, Medication, and the Mask of High Performance
I shared my experience with medication. On paper, they worked. I got more done. I stayed on task. But inside? I felt disconnected. Like I was going through the motions on autopilot. More efficient, yes. But also numb. Robotic. Empty.
That feeling wasn’t new. It mirrored how I had lived most of my life, constantly doing, constantly achieving, constantly proving. I was the high performer. The one with the to-do list always in motion. But what people didn’t see was the shame underneath. The voice in my head that whispered, “You’re not good enough” The belief that my value was tied to output.
The meds helped me focus, but it also muted my emotions.
What united all our stories was this: medication can help, but it’s never the whole picture. It’s a tool, not a solution. And tools work best when we also have the emotional scaffolding in place - self-awareness, nervous system practices, relational safety.
KEY TAKEAWAY
Many people with ADHD are over-functioning on the outside and quietly unraveling on the inside. Medication might help with focus, but without the deeper work - healing shame, regulating emotions, creating safety - performance becomes a mask, not a path to peace.
Whether you take meds or not, the real journey is the same: learning how to care for your nervous system, your emotions, and your relationships in a way that honours who you are, not just how much you do.
3. Relationships with ADHD need translatioN - not fixing
Candice shared the honest truth about what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone like me. She’s neurotypical, I’m not. That alone creates a lot of friction, especially when we don’t speak the same “emotional language.”
She talked about how hard it can be to feel safe when your partner seems emotionally absent, or goes from 0 to 100 in a moment. But she also talked about how everything changes when we learn to understand each other…not judge, not correct, but really see the human underneath.
KEY TAKEAWAY:
ADHD in relationships isn’t a dealbreaker. But it does require both people to learn a new language. One built on curiosity, compassion, boundaries and patience, with yourself and each other.
4. Regulation is a practice, not a personality trait
There’s this myth that some people are just “better” at staying calm, focused, and regulated. The truth? It takes work .. especially for ADHDers. For me, it’s breathwork. For Noor, it’s routines and rituals. For James, it’s movement and sobriety.
What works is different for everyone, but the point is: we can learn to regulate our nervous systems. And when we do, everything changes..our moods, our sleep, our ability to respond instead of react.
KEY TAKEAWAY:
It’s not about being naturally chill. It’s about finding your rhythm, your tools, and your daily reset, so life feels a little less like a rollercoaster.
5. Parenting ADHD means unlearning the old ways
Noor shared something so many parents needed to hear: if your child is neurodivergent, you can’t parent them the way you were parented. You have to learn a new way..one that’s less about control and more about co-regulation.
She spoke about using humor, safe words, and structure. About learning to listen differently. About how breaking patterns starts with seeing your child clearly, not through the lens of shame or “shoulds.”
Candice and I have seen this too in our blended family. Parenting ADHD is hard, but it’s also a chance to raise a child who doesn’t have to unlearn their worth.
KEY TAKEAWAY:
If your kid feels like “too much,” they probably just need more understanding, not more discipline. Let’s raise kids who don’t have to heal from their childhoods.
6. Diagnosis as a Doorway, Not a Destination
For James and I, our ADHD diagnosis came late in life. And with it came a mix of emotions - relief, validation, and also grief. Grief for the years spent trying to be “normal.” For the energy we poured into hiding what we didn’t understand about ourselves. For the self-blame we carried when we struggled in systems that weren’t built for us.
But that moment of naming it, finally having language for our lived experience..opened something new. It gave us a framework to make sense of our past and a roadmap for moving forward. It allowed us to shift from fighting our brains to learning how to work with them. To forgive ourselves. To soften. To unlearn then relearn.
Key Takeaway:
You don’t need a diagnosis to begin healing. But if you do receive one, let it be an invitation..not a label. A starting point to ask deeper questions like, “What does my nervous system need to feel safe, supported, and seen?” Because that’s where true transformation begins.
rEFLECTION: We’re Just Tuned to a Different Frequency
ADHD is not a flaw. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s a different way of experiencing the world, a faster way, a deeper way, sometimes a louder, more chaotic way.
And just like in sound design or audio harmonics, not all frequencies are meant to sit in the middle range. Some of us pulse in higher octaves. Some carry more bass. Neurodivergence isn’t distortion..it’s a different bandwidth of brilliance. The challenge is, the world often isn’t calibrated to hear us clearly.
But that doesn’t mean we need to change our tune. It means we need better headphones. We need better systems, safer relationships, clearer self-understanding …so the full richness of our sound can come through.
With the right tools, practices, and connection, ADHD can become a rhythm you move with, not something you wrestle against.
So whether you’re living with ADHD, parenting someone who is, or loving someone wired differently…You are not broken. You are not alone. And there is beauty in how you’re wired.
You’re not off-key. You’re part of a bigger symphony.
Let’s start tuning the world to hear us better.
If something in this resonated, whether you’re navigating ADHD yourself, parenting a neurodivergent child, or simply trying to feel more regulated, connected, and at home in your own mind and body..we’re here for that work.
We support individuals and couples through breathwork, lifestyle optimization, subconscious reprogramming, and relationship coaching. And if you’re looking for ADHD-specific support, Noor is your go to.
Feel free to reach out. Sometimes, one conversation can shift everything.
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